User talk:PiercingDarkness
Welcome Hi, welcome to Creepypasta Wiki! Thanks for your edit to the How I met Mikayla Varansk page. Please be sure to check out all the Site Rules, as it is important to follow them. Failure to abide by them may result in your account being blocked. Read some new pastas by checking out or browse by topic by checking out the Genre Listing. Please leave a message on my talk page if I can help with anything! SoPretentious (talk) 12:29, July 15, 2016 (UTC) Mikayla Hey there and welcome to the Creepypasta website. I just read your story and I'm going to give you a quick heads-up. From what I've seen I fear that the story will get pulled for not meeting the quality standards. There's a lot of awkward sentencing going around and you definitely seem to have a habit of telling instead of showing what happens in terms of your descriptions. The story also feels shaky and doesn't make a lot of sense everywhere. If my suspicion is right and the story gets pulled, I strongly recommend posting it up in the Writer's Workshop. There's plenty of people willing to sit down and write lengthy, helpful advice on grammar, sentence structure, and story. To give you something of a start regardless of what happens with the story: The start feels off. So the main character died.....and he's talking to us? Since he's dead, why would I care. I know how the story is going to end, even if I don't know how he comes to his end. I also think that the mention of the female black widow is necessary to be mentioned in the beginning of the story. Rather, it would be stronger to either have the character realize at the very end (without mentioning it at the start), or drop enough hints that the reader figures it out themselves. It's all about building suspense before the eventual climax. This also goes for him being a sociopath. Don't tell, but show the gradual descent into giving in to criminal urges. A little further you detail that the main character, who's name I don't think you ever shared, is the happiest boy in the world when he gets a black cat, yet the very following sentence is him hating the little feline. I personally feel that the jump to killing the animal is to fast. I think it would work better if it started with small, neglect related moments. Not feeding the animal, pushing it away, trying to hit it when it wants to play.'' Keep in mind that he's 14 and his mother would definitely not approve of the manner in which he treats the kitten! The kill should only come after the main character doesn't get a kick out of the little things anymore. Since this particular character is described as the type that enjoys killing, don't let his second be a person (even if there's years between). He's tasted such enormous power, there's no reason to stop with just one kitten. Birds, stray cats and dogs (or not so stray), rabbits out of their cages, the list goes on and on. When the animals become boring, that is when he would realisticly turn to people. I think that his first murder should also be stronger. It's a turning point in his character afterall. This world is populated with a lot of sociopaths and psychopaths (speaking off, your char's lack of a conscience makes him a psychopath, not a sociopath as they do have a conscience though weak), however the vast majority never do anything criminal as they are in the lower, far less extreme spectrum. While already having blood on his hands, albeit minor, it is something entirely different to end the life of one of your fellow men even if your disorder makes you unable to feel empathy. Therefor I feel it also makes no real sense that he was somehow already prepared with how he was going to solve the corpse problem. You specifically stated they were still close to civilization, yet nobody found the body while he quickly went to get household tools out of a shed and then proceeded to dismember the woman? And no one who walks his dog every morning found the pieces? Dogs tend to dig. With the lengthy text going into the main character's youth, you somehow decide to completely skip everything about the other kills despite one of them being the reason for the MC's own death (Rachel). I feel you should show the relationship between them, or at least give us more to not make the connection between Mikayla and Rachel feel.....forced. There's nothing about these two individuals that makes them connect. Even their names are from completely different backgrounds far as I can tell. The cannablism is.....unnecessary, especially in the scope of your story. It adds nothing. Mikayla kills and dismembers the MC for killing her sister, yet she already had killed other people in order to acquire the meat for the steak. Again, why have the sister connection with Rachel, especially one that isn't hinted at at all in the story, if the other woman is already a killer as well? These are some points for you to work on but please keep in mind that this is not nearly all. These are just the story related issues that I encountered and I feel you should work on. Whether or not there are a lof of already existing stories out there, I cannot tell as I'm still fairly new to Creepypasta's. Please don't get discouraged though! I'm merely trying to help you improve! That's also why I still advice you to go to the Writer's Workshop. It's a great way to meet excellent writers with the spare time to type up something as lengthy as I did here to help. Nachtrae (talk) 13:29, July 15, 2016 (UTC) Story deletion Your story has been deleted because it doesn't meet the wiki's quality standards. If you feel that it ''did meet the standards, please state your case on Deletion Appeal. Make sure you follow the instructions to the letter there, or your appeal will be automatically denied. DO NOT ATTEMPT TO REUPLOAD YOUR PASTA. If you upload it again, you'll receive a 1-day ban from editing, as per the rules. Read the Deletion FAQ and our Style Guide for Writing for details on the 'what' and 'why' of the deletions we make. Read this guide and these blog posts for further details on how you can improve your story/stories to make them meet our quality standards. For additional help, submit your story to the Writer's Workshop for feedback. Jay Ten (talk) 13:38, July 15, 2016 (UTC)